Adnan Syed: Midnight Phone Call

His lawyer’s assertion that “no one who ever wore a tuxedo ever killed nobody” didn’t pan out for the Baltimore area youngster.

Serial did more to raise the profile of podcasting than Adam Curry or Chris Hardwick ever have. More significantly, the upstart podcast has helped to blur the line between reporting and storytelling more than even Bill O’Reilly. The American public’s appetite for real journalism is about on par with their appetite for kale. Some people want it and only it. But more, far more, people just want the Twinkies. Sarah Koenig and the staff at This American Life have offered up a very popular kale casserole that’s really mostly made out of Twinkie. But why take my word for it?

The Raging Titter voicemail recorded this message from Serial character Adnan Syed. I didn’t bother to transcribe the “this is a call from” line. You already hear it in your head anyway.

“The major problem with me and my case is that I’m a sociopath who didn’t commit this murder. So if you look at me and ask yourself could he do this, it’s always going to come up “Fuck Yeah” he could. But a jury isn’t supposed to ask that question. They supposed to ask did he do this particular shit right here.

My extensive study getting my advance degree in Jailhouse Lawdawggin’ from FedPen U has taught me that, at its core, our system isn’t supposed to, like, rid the world of evil, it’s supposed to get and punish people who did the shit. Not find the people who might do shit some day, you know. So, you know, it’s kind of like all in how you understand, or like perceive, the system of justice in this country.

I just need to say that I got so upset when Sarah Koenig asked me about stealing money from the mosque because it had nothing to do with the case. Yeah, like I said, I’m a full-fledged sociopath who will steal some money from a holy place I’m supposed to revere, but that wouldn’t prove or disprove that I killed Hae. I’ve read some more transcripts of This American Life and at this point I can say that I’m a little bit sorry I hooked up with them. Some good things have come out of it and I’m thankful for that, but if I had it to do over again, I might go another way.

It’s like, they don’t chase the truth over at TAL. They out chasing the existential short story/pithy essay. They ain’t no journalists. They not out painting murals of truth on the neglected brick walls of America. They narrative drywallers screwing the shit out of every single plot twist until the head snaps off. They not reporters. And their drywalling will eventually pull away from the wall and ruin your Sunday breakfast. Right? Maybe kill your dog.

And for the record, there’s no truth to the rumor that Sarah Koenig sent me pornographic polaroids. Where would you even get polaroids? They was tasteful like boudoir photos with a nice matte finish. And they wasn’t even no porn! It was, like, her sitting at an old-timey typewriter with a pencil behind her ear but you could see her bare shins and bare shoulders. So you know she naked. But there’s no nipple, no areola, no booty, or wah-wah to be seen. She ain’t even looking at the camera! They erotic. Like art. They art. Erotic art.

For what it’s worth, the staff at Raging Titter hopes this guy gets his day and a real fair shake. And we hope he likes kale.


Daybreakers: Lit Theory: WTF

I know. I know. You watched this movie and you didn’t like it. But you couldn’t quite pin down why you didn’t like it. I can help. The narrative contains a subtext that is, simultaneously, unnerving and right on the money.

Let’s get right into it. The crux of the plot is that the now dominant vampire population is running out of human blood. They’ve literally consumed themselves to near extinction. Okay. So that’s basically what I’m choosing to call “the point” so hang onto that.

The vampire effort is going full tilt boogie to come up with a blood substitute.  The project is helmed by the guy who ruined Uma Thurman for the rest of us, Ethan Hawke. Ethan sort of sucks (HA!) at his job so the blood substitute isn’t going overly well. We know this because someone comically explodes. Therefore, artificial substitutes for natural things are a bad idea. You’ve got two hands so hold onto that too.

Ethan Hawke: Dad Of The Year

Blood is just an abstraction for something more ordinary. Within the horror genre, the horrible things are generally abstractions for something more mundane and real. The vampires in Stake Land represent the Tea Party. Swamp Thing in Swamp Thing represents the dangers of science. The vampires in the Twilight series represent self-loathing homosexuals.  Do you have it yet? Do you know what the secret liquid is?

He took those out of another dude's mouth.

You think it could be oil? It’s not. But that was a good guess.

The liquid in question is High Fructose Corn Syrup. The devil’s candy. The sweetest cancer. And if you read the Wikipedia page on HFCS, It’s probably how the Japanese got back at us for Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Your fat stupid kid could have just been stupid if it weren’t for Robert Oppenheimer.  (Look, ma! Science is bad!)

You need some convincing? Alright, back to the movie. Blood is consumed by the vamps. HFCS is consumed by us. As a matter of fact, blood is almost the entirety of their food supplies. Just as matter factly, if you’re living precisely the wrong kind of way, HFCS is much of your food supply. There’s more, but if I make too compelling and complete an argument, you won’t do any work for yourself. If you don’t do any work you’re never going to get rid of those last 50 pounds.

The Hawke man discovers or proves that the cure for vampirism can be cured by sunlight. This is when the film makes its most compelling argument against a lifestyle dominated by HFCS. Sunlight is the cure. That means go do stuff outside you lazy corn fattened farm animal posing as a human fuck.

I know it’s harsh but trying to eat in America without eating HFCS is harder than not loving a vampire anymore.

That’s why you didn’t like the movie. Because you’re still unwilling to give up your Christmas ham with the Pepsi glaze and your regular old boring Wednesday night Twinkie and Ding Dong casserole.

Also, Ethan Hawke and Willem Dafoe would love it if you could get the government to stop subsidizing corn so hard.


7 Reasons To Watch John Carpenter's They Live

1.     It takes place in a dystopian near-future suffering from some flavor of economic devastation, so it may offer important insights for your retirement planning.

2.     Some moments are genuinely funny without a hint of cynicism. This film can remind you what life was like before the hipster takeover of our culture.

3.     It has an incredibly effective minimalist soundtrack. Sometimes less is just less Justin Bieber.

4.     Television is the enemy.  Hulu’s allegiances remain unclear throughout the film.

5.     The lead actress is absolutely baffling. She’s either a bona fide alien or a Terminator.

6.      It questions capitalism, but doesn’t offer any answers. However, the creatures in the film have positions available for hobos who are allergic to work.

7.     This movie ends with Rowdy Roddy Piper’s finest death scene. He really commits.