7/20/05

A special guest commentary from Dr. Deceives

Hello all,

Dr. Douchebag here. I'll get right to it. Have you ever noticed that all the attractive chicks seem to be dating some douchebag? Well you know what. They are. My family has been disseminating our information slowly over the course of many generations. We've understood what has only come recently into scientific light. The criteria for a given woman's choice in a potential mate is extremely narrow. These choices for men are similarly narrow. Now, most women who are attractive, understand this (that's why they wear those clothes, it's like a personal attractiveness gauge). See, when you look that's another way of saying, "Wow, you've got me in the palm of your tits." That's why not looking is important. Every time you look, you lose. You don't want to be a loser, do you? Now does this mean that if a woman approaches you, that you should do anything and everything not to look at her? No. You'll seem scared and then she wins again. However, don't look more than necessary. After you acknowledge her presence, look back where you were originally before she approached, or look down at your drink, give it consideration. Look longer at the drink then you did at her. It should be understood that this detatched tactic is meant for a woman that you don't know. If you know this person, there a whole other set of rules. Now, to the matter of how to get a girl to approach you, this is exceedingly simple. You must a) work out twice a week, b) dress like you have money. Now if you're short on funds the second may seem a little bit difficult. Thrift stores and an iron are your best friends in this regard. Oh yeah, focus your workouts on your pecs and glutes. Also, start saying things like "pecs and glutes". Mastery of douchespeak is as important as any other portion of these teachings. Alright, back to the encounter. She will attempt to engage you with some inane conversation. She may mention the music playing in the club, how she knows the bartender, anything. More than likely she'll communicate that she needs a drink. The subtlety with which she drops this is directly proportional to her hotness and her own sense of self worth. This is bait. Do not bite. As you have now rebuffed her twice, she will attempt some physical contact. It's your turn to be subtle, don't act like you've just been bitten by a scorpion, but don't be too excited, take it in stride. Make quick eye contact, nothing more. After you turn the tables on her, she'll be as surprised as The American television viewer the night the "lost" episode of Who's The Boss aired. It was a magical night. And those of us old enough to remember never forgot what we saw that fateful evening. For those of you who don't know, Boss as it 's come to be know by it's fans was a cutting edge sitcom about a professional woman, who takes in a dullard to do odd jobs around the house and so she can use his stylin' van. The episode I mentioned earlier was, it should be noted, as powerful as the Different Strokes kid gets molested episode. This episode actually featured television's first onscreen lesbian kiss and the first television reference to the use of a dildo on a television character. (Tony Danza comes down from Mona's love den grabbing his ass and screaming like a little girl. Just reflect on that episode while you're ignoring her. That should be enough to get you started. And Remember, my name's not really douchebag, but I am one.

3 comments:

Jas... said...

This is the best advice I have ever received. Thanks!
Jas...

Steve said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Rogue Scholar 2 said...

You speak wise, oh great employee of the janitorial industry. It's been my experience with even women that I know (not counting female relatives), the more you treat them like shit, the more they want to get to know you. It's sick, isn't it? Is this some sort of 21st Century phenomenon, or has this always been a part of "human nature"?