Cholly's flying solo.........
Hey Everybody, SinisterPurpose here. Informing and entertaining our readers with the everyday machinations of the Raging Titter has always been a cornerstone of the clingy, semi-creepy, yet remarkably tingly relationship we enjoy with those readers. It is in that same spirit that I choose now to inform you, those who have been wise (and yet at the same time naive) enough to suckle "The Big Tit" about a policy which has always existed here at Raging Titter. It is the editorial practice of this blog to allow our writers a single fancy filled deviation from the unusually harsh editorial constraints typically employed here at the "Tit". No editorial changes will be made to a piece handed in by a writer if the Chief Editor is informed 24 hours in advance that said writer is planning to "discharge" this marker. Cholly has chosen to use this marker on his maiden post. The contents of which have made us rethink this policy entirely. We totally warned you.
YAYER!!! Cholly's all up in this mug and ready to kick this pig into full squeal. As the big 'Purp' told you, I'll be kicking the mad "Love & Sex" knowledge at you. So I'm about to dish my rules of dating while simultaneously letting you in on the secrets of Low-Dough-Nappy-Dugout. Rule Numero Uno, NEVER SPEND MORE MONEY THAN A HOOKER WOULD COST. Cut and Paste that shit into your planner yesterday. It's the hello message on your new RAZR. Stop reading and make that motherfucker your new screensaver.
That's enough theory bullshit, time for the practice. I conducted a pseudo-scientific taste test on three brands of Mac&Cheese. It breaks down like this, Name Brand came out all soupy and shit. Cheap Shit tasted like wet packing peanuts. Store Brand kicked asses up and down the block, came back inside for a shot of Absolut and a Zagnut bar, then ran back outside to continue kicking ass. Hit the store brand and your halfway to getting some touch. I just solved your dinner plans for less than a dollar, beotch. Buy your wine right and you just kick-started romance for less than a sawbuck.
Now for the specialty portion of the program, say you're lucky enough to bring home a newly addicted meth junkie. You know the type, clothes haven't been changed in a day or two. She's four or five steps away from setting up shop in the men's room at a local truck stop. I've got the movie to put her right in the mood. Cookers simmers at first, but then rolls into an uncontrollable boil of paranoia, betrayal, and greed. This is exactly the kind of movie huge Hollywood dollars would totally destroy. Your drug addled new friend will either think you're trying some guerilla rescue shit or you've got one foot in her lifestyle. Whatever she thinks the movie's exploration of her drug of choice will put you on the road toward some belly button patty cake.
Cholly out. Peace in the middle east.
Wow. What a remarkably coherent movie review at the end there. Huh, maybe he's got something after all. If anyone is thinking of following any of Cholly's advice, let's make it fair fellas. Always check market prices with the local working girls so you're aware of the appropriate monetary investment. Who knows, if the hookers in your neighborhood are classy enough, you might spring for some Rice-A-Roni. Oh and I was also part of Cholly's Macaroni and Cheese taste test. I give the "Fallen Flower Honorable Mention Award" to the Py-O-My brand for putting 2 recipe variations on the box.
Speaking of food that's cheap and much maligned, The Munchies Podcast has a great show this week. I've been waiting for an angel of mercy who'd help me dispose of an inherited cache of these great white worms of MSG. In fact, that's what I call the cabinet where I keep these, "Lair of the White Worm". Only there's been no Hugh Grant toddling around to slay these beasts, until now. Bob threw down some recipes that might just pull these cheap little bastards out of the hands of gaunt college students and right into the lunch specials at the local trendier-than-thou coffee hole. Hell, I may even buy more once I've gotten through the stash.
And finally, a plea to parents. Parents please for the love of your SUV or Minivan, whatever denomination you may be, please spend some time with your kids and teach them some Vedic Mathematics. If you don't do this and you let public school have at your little ones mathematically speaking, they'll spend their twenties wandering the streets soliciting homeless people to help them balance their checkbook. You don't want that for them. You really don't.
***Out of Touch Music Review**
1989's Chris Isaak: Wicked Game
Does anyone else still have dreams about that video?