The body of Gerald Ford moved today, unexpectedly. After arriving at the capitol rotunda, the arm of the former president violently twitched for about five minutes, say onlookers. Then the body climbed out of it's ornate casket and began wandering around. It seemed to just be looking around considering it's surroundings and then proceeded to fall down some stairs. Some present began to panic. Some reports report that current president George W. Bush screamed the word “Zombie” in the manner of a terrified 8 year old girl from Texas.
“The former president is not a zombie,” a nearby man in a white lab coat remarked from the shadows. “In cases of zombism, said zombie will move menacingly toward the nearest living person uttering a raspy yet distinct 'braaaaiiiiiiiiiins'. As all of you can plainly see the president's corpse doesn't seem interested in any of the living people present. As it walks around its arms are not outstretched in an alarming manner. Also, it is not dragging one leg behind it as if the leg no longer functions.” Many present made mouth sounds generally regarded as signifying acceptance and understanding of this explanation. The man in the white lab coat further explained the situation.
“What we are seeing is the result of the president's consumption of a portion of cloned beef just prior to his death. The former president did not die from the consumption of this cloned beef. It provided his body with protein, several essential B vitamins, and other trace minerals. Unfortunately, a common side effect of the consumption of cloned beef or milk is short term postmortem reanimation.”
The nonzombified body of the former president ambled around for about five more minutes and at which time it returned to its casket.
“What was it doing?” An unidentified woman later identified as Condoleeza Rice asked.
"Looking for its portal,”answered the man in the white coat.
“Jesus. Didn't any of you people watch Dead Like Me?”