“Lemme tell you shumsin bout Iphone. 'Sa fake. 'Sall smoke and bullshit.”
After stumbling, pitching forward, and then proclaiming several times that he was okay, Jobs added, “Ishnotefen a fucking phone.” Jobs then grabbed a stray Ipod off the bar and put it to his ear.
“ 'Lo. This is a fanboy tech journalist. I'm nidiot.” Apple's most recognizable face then laughed manically for what seemed like forever.
Jobs then admitted to a connection between himself and certain new Youtube celebrities.
“I personally fucked all them bitches. Including that bald fuck. What can I say? The great and powerful Jobs cock turns people into mindless drones bent on making poorly crafted jokes that double as commercials.” These portions of Jobs's statements were translated by someone who was also drunk, but not as drunk.
Jobs queried everyone in the bar as to "what the fuck they were going to do about it." Jobs then endlessly requested that no one in the bar "playa hate".