Popular Drink May Reduce Cancer Risk.
Red Bull scientists, Doctor Raymond J. Douche and Doctor Phillip Lawrence Tard announced today that the extremely popular mixed drink "VodkaRedbull" may have been scientifically linked to decreased cervical cancer risks in women.
Men of seemingly every demographic make the "VokkaRebill" choice everyday. The fusion of the drinks primary ingredients creates a chemical compound which has been laboratory proven to excite the dormant "tosser" gene. A human male with an activated "tosser" gene isn't hard to spot. The chemical causes certain imbalances in the hypothalamus which raise the Male's body temperature 4 degrees or less. This induced fever causes an increased sensitivity to ambient temperature. Typically, the male subject will open buttons and zippers to aid in cooling the body. He may also become obsessed with temperature and incessantly comment on how "hot" things seem. He may become disoriented and speak very informally with people he doesn't know. The chemical also works on other parts of the brain and can cause bouts of "mini-Tourette's". Listen for a repetition of popular phrases and curse words. Also, the Male's libido increases nearly fifteen times.
The behavioral changes may appear unbearable, but it's these very annoyances which help women fight cancer. The underlying organisms responsible for cervical cancers, now unquestionably linked with sexual activity, may be inoculated against. However, if a woman cannot afford or is not desirable enough for the vaccine, she gets the same protection from "VokkaRebill" and the "Douche-Tard" effect. The "Douche-Tard" effect bends the Male's willingness for overtly aggressive behavior so sharply upward that he becomes unsuitable as a mate.
"This drink instantly pushes them to the short end of the fuck stick. The pope has actually come out against the 'VokkaRebill'. He thinks it qualifies as a contraceptive," said a Red Bull Spokesperson wearing aviator shades and a red mesh football jersey. He then unfurled a 25 foot velvet tapestry. Written in a gold font, the tapestry read, "Red Bull Makes Your Cock Cure Cancer."
As a reminder of these health benefits, Red Bull will now appear in a can shaped like a cock with a pink ribbon tied around it.