Pointy Productivity: Starfucking

Where does the time go? It doesn't go anywhere. It gets spent. Like money. When Benjamin Franklin said, "Time is money", I don't think he meant that every moment is a chance to make another buck. He meant that time is a precious resource and, like money, if you spend it foolishly you end up a poorer person. So how are you spending your time foolishly? I don't know for sure, but I have a guess. It's your cyber starfucking.

Starfucker - A person obessessed with seeking out personal interaction with celebrities. The desired interaction may or may not be sexual in nature.

If you'd like your time online and your day in general to be more productive, you only need to follow a single simple rule. Don't be friends with celebrities. Don't be friends with celebrities on Facebook. Don't follow them on Twitter.

I can already feel you struggling to get away from this idea.

Celebrities, as a side effect of whatever their actual vocation, have a ton of free time, like to self-promote, and are no more clever or worthwhile than any other person living on the planet. Celebrities, however, do possess a special power. They always have our attention. The fact that so many people pay attention to everything they do gives them an ubersignificance. Everything they do seems unique and special, even when it so is not. They say, "Hey check out this stupid youtube video." And you run off and do it because they said so. They didn't find it themselves. They saw it on Fark, Metafilter or Digg. Or someone they know (in real life) sent it to them. That means it's out there for you to find too. Be your own celebrity and find your own cool shit.

You know what's not going to help you in your next difficult meeting? Whatever Youtube video just put a feather up Ashton Kutcher's ass. You know what Ryan Seacrest, the little imp man from American Idol, knows about that paper you haven't finished? Dick. Do you know what Oprah's going to tell you? Watch Oprah. Do you know that Ellen Degeneres is as creepy, if not creepier, than Rosie O Donnell? She is.

Celebrity tweets or status updates typically consist of:

1) Something you probably will never do but have seen celebrities do a lot. (I'm on Jimmy Fallon!)
2) Linking to something that involves them directly (See Soulpancake)
3) Shouting out to people you don't know and, most likely, have no interest in knowing. (Congratulations to my agent on his beautiful newborn fuck trophy.)

I can hear your fervent cries as I type this in the not too distant past. "But what if James Gunn and I get into a little back-and-forth about some link he puts up and then we exchange emails and he helps me achieve my dream of being a screenwriter!?! What then? What if that happens?" Let me address this in as clear terms as possible. If you want people (including celebrities) to notice you, do something worth noticing. Knowing the "right people" can be an important asset toward achievement. Having the right people seek you is better by an order of magnitude (that's the difference between 1000 and 100000000).

If you aren't doing anything interesting, then celebrities are a lot like regular people. Celebrities do not care what you do. They do not care what you tweet.

In conclusion, you should treat your friends more like you treat celebrities and treat celebrities like people you don't really know.

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