Charlie Sheen. Culture Warrior.

Charlie Sheen has been done a great disservice by the media as of late. He has been characterized as a rambling, mentally disorganized, drug addicted piece of human trash. Charlie is none of these things. Charlie is the victim of horrifying cultural bigotry.

Charlie speaks a dialect of Hollywood regional jive that is not recognized by the majority as legitimate language.

In an effort to balance this subtle slander from the media, Raging Titter obtained quotes from an ABCnews.com story and had them translated by an individual fluent in both English and Sheen's Hollywood regional dialect. The results will surprise you.

"I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars, and people can't figure me out; they can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain." ("The Today Show.")

Charlie is a unique spirit. Sometimes he struggles with communication. This makes him feel alienated. Singing is his coping mechanism.

A Shamanic Ritual

"I think the honesty not only shines through in my work, but also my personal life. And I get in trouble for being honest. I'm extremely old-fashioned. I'm a nobleman. I'm chivalrous." ("20/20.")

Charlie recently discovered he is directly descended of Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez, Sean Connery's character in the movie Highlander. He strives to live up to the example set by his ancestor.

Sheen Genes

"Duh, winning! It's, like, guys, IMDB right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. I mean, c'mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn't even trying. I wasn't even warm." ("The Today Show.")

Charlie doesn't like putting limits on his dreams. Charlie believes in the power of his accomplishments.

"You've read about the goddesses, come on. They're an international sensation. These are my girlfriends. These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart. ... It's a polygamy story. All my guy friends are gonna like throw tomatoes at me. It's like an organic union of the hearts." ("20/20.")

Charlie feels. Charlie feels he should not listen to judgements from jealous and puritanical tomato-wielders.

Sheen Locks On.

"I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That's how I describe myself." ("Piers Morgan Tonight.")

Charlie fears alzheimers as much as he fears the common cold. That is to say, he fears it not at all.

Raging Titter hopes this article has helped you understand the Charlie Sheen situation more fully. Raging Titter also wishes you and yours a very sincere #winning.

In the interest of fair and accurate reporting, we at Raging Titter must inform our readers that the term "tigerblood" refers to the cocaine derived designer drug that was the subject of the film Deep Cover.

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