Midnight Phone Call: Scott Walker

Scott Walker Admits "Cross-Eyed Cartoon Dog" Look Is Strategy.

So Governor Scott Walker just called up the Raging Titter hot line and started chatting. We hardly had to ask him questions. He just went on like this for a while.

"I spent years learning how to face a camera so it looks like my I.Q. hovers just over 91. You have to relate to the people who got you elected. And it just so happens that a lot of my supporters are not retarded, but frequently are mistaken for retards. If I can look like a cross-eyed cartoon dog, then they know I get them. I feel their pain."

"The Tea Party is basically about insecurity. They feel insecure about everything. Money stopped flowing and they pulled their heads out of their asses just long enough to find someone to point the finger at. Give up? It's everybody else. It's the teachers and other public employees whose jobs aren't based on anything as shaky as the banking, investment and real estate industries. It's the people who look vaguely similar to people who attacked us. They don't take ten seconds to realize that treating every Muslim like a terrorist is like treating every Jew like a serial killer. You know, because of David Berkowitz. Am I going too fast for you?"

"We've got to change the way we handle money at both the governmental and personal levels. Before we spend money we must examine what the impact of the purchase will mean over a longer period. If you eat at McDonald's and Taco Bell everyday, you save money, but how much do the treatments for colorectal cancer cost in ten years? How much does insulin cost? What's a funeral going to go for in fifteen years? These are the questions we should be asking ourselves. Does the purchase make sense past tomorrow?"

"Anyway, I just think this whole thing will blow over as soon as everyone isn't so scared."

We caught our breath and asked the Governor if he was, in fact, on any kind of medication or illicit drugs.

"I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. Ha! That son of a bitch has balls made of pure platinum." Then he hung up.

We at Raging Titter hope this information is both useful and entertaining.

Walker also admitted a lot of crazy shady shit.

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